How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave
it there all summer.
Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's.
(If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything
they eat or damage.
Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start
the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug,
while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your
bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too
until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store.
Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your
paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run riot. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have
all the answers.
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under GOD, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
