I had a horrible dream last night , one that I don't even want to write down or speak of because I'm so scared it could come true. How many of you believe that dreams are warnings to something that may happen ? A peek into the future ? Or could I just be taking it the wrong way and it could actually symbolize something else and not the tragic thing I dreamt ? I've always had the gift to remember my dreams the next day in full , livid color. I don't mind this at all most times but this one is one I wish I could have forgotten because it is so filled with sorrow. Darn my overworking mind!!!

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.

So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER! -- Source Unknown Black Holes are where God divided by zero. -- Source Unknown Money Talks ... but all mine ever says is Goodbye! -- Source Unknown I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it? -- Source Unknown I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? -- Source Unknown Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. -- Mark Twain Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. -- Source Unknown Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something! -- Source Unknown A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance. -- Source Unknown 1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts. -- Source Unknown I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. -- Source Unknown

I Have a Rare Condition

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next
morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for
his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them
breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the
bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He
cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already
1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the
kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk
and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set
up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30
he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M . he was
exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through
without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please, let us
trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel You have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the
way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
night."