Hummm, once again I have been gone from here for a year and then some but yet this blog never disapears. Once again I have decided to come take a look around to see who's here and who isn't anymore and once again I have decided to post my gibberish. I hate thinking up a title for my messages, always have. Why do I have to title what's going on in my head when I can't even make sense of half it myself.
It has been a year and almost 9 months since my husband had gotten hurt at work. It has been a year and 3 months since I have had him home every day of my life because of his accident. It's been rough on him, me and the kids. Yes, I know he's the one who was hurt and who has all the pain. I have been in my own pain , mental pain, physical pain from doing things around the house that I would usually not do all the time when he wasn't hurt. I guess you could say I'm old fashioned, it's the way I was raised what can I say, about the "jobs" that should be a man's and a woman's around the house. I guess at times you could say I resent him getting hurt, even though I know it was purely accidental.
I have put up with his moodiness, his asshole attitudes, that I suppose he has every right to have from time to time, but doesn't make them any less hard to deal with. I have been doing everything I can possibly do, pushing my own limits and my own health, to take over, selling my cars to pay for things when there was no money coming in the house, dealing with attorneys, having my own surgery, taking care of the house, the kids, the yard, life in general when about a week ago one of his moods hit and did it hit hard. The sad part about it is he doesn't realize what effect his moods are taking on me or even worse just doesn't care.
I guess I have to go back a bit and explain that after he got hurt the doctor appointments started. At first it was 3 times a week, then it went to two times a week, then once a week, and now it's once every two weeks. Well. almost every appointment I have driven him to. He can still drive but the doctor is over an hour away and it's rough on his back to drive long distances so that's just something I do for him. He's my husband and I love him with all my heart so why wouldn't I. He doesn't care for my driving habits though, apparently he doesn't see the sense in my get from point A to point B as quickly as possible mind frame. Ha, Ha , Ha ! I can see the men shaking their heads saying a typical woman driver.
So anyway, he had been in a bad mood towards me for about a week, I couldn't figure out why, I didn't think I had done anything to set him off but yet there the rudeness was. On our way home from the dr's he made a snide comment about how he would just drive himself from now on because he didn't like something I did while I was driving. I told him that was fine by me, he could drive himself, and that I didn't know why he had been so mean to me for the last week. He said mean ?? I don't know what you are talking about. Then the rudeness set in even more so. Well that night while I was getting ready to make dinner he got snippy with one of the kids over something dumb so I mouthed my opinion on how he was acting again. Wow! I should have kept my mouth shut. I thought he was being rude and mean before, geeeez, out came some hurtful things from his mouth about, I guess, how he was really feeling about me. How i basically don't do anything, how I wouldn't even go get a job when we almost lost our house, blah blah blah.
Alright, a little more background info here, once again, he has always been the one to work, I have had a few jobs but nothing spectacular. My place perse has always been at home with the kids. My father has helped us out immensely over the past 23 years we have been together so as he was ranting on about me he failed to stop and think that even though I may not have had a job all these years, what MY dad has helped us with has made up for it. I started having kids very early in my life, right before I turned 18 to be exact. We have 6 kids I have been raising, I never had time to get a college degree, so pepople out in the job world are not knocking down my door to hire me for a good job.
Anyways, I told him I was sick of the attitude he had been having for a week towards me and he turns around and says "I'm sick of you!"
That just floored me. He has never said anything like that to me before. So I came back with "Then get the hell out!" He said he would never leave HIS house and that I was the one who had to go. I didn't say another word. I started making a mental list of everything I had bought and sold since he had been off of work. Yes, granted with money my family had given me, but that still made it mine. I started thinking of the date of his upcoming surgery and wondered if I could clean the house out while he was in the hospital for a day, put my stuff in storage and find somewhere else to live, and I started thinking, did he really mean everything he had said to me. Was he really sick of me cooking, cleaning, chopping wood, taking care of the kids, being a taxi driver for whoever needed to go somewhere, doing odd jobs for my dad to bring a little money in the house, paying the bills, dealing with bill collectors, his dr. appointments, dealing with worker's comp, the attorney, etc, etc.
Those 4 little words are still resting in my head even though we aren't fighting now. I'm sick of you.
I'm not looking for anyone's pity, not looking to be told I'm rght , not looking to be seen as a martyr. I just want to be looked at by my husband as a loving wife, to be looked at as someone who will do what needs to be done to keep life going. I don't think that is too much to ask for. I know he gets depressed, I know he feels bad at times that he can't do all the things he used to be able to do, and I have been understanding as I can about that. I understand he is worried about his surgery coming up that could makme him better or leave him for worse. But we are in this together, he is my husband damnit and I am there for him no matter what, so why does he have to act like I'm against him at times. I would die for him and my children if that's what it would take.
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